Archive for November 2, 2007
PORTLAND, OR. Nov. 2, 2007 – The Pentagon has ordered twelve new Imperial Walkers for special duty in Iraq, and in preparation of possible military escalations with Iran.
The Imperial Walker Program had been under secret development until recently when the US government accidentally tortured a US scientist working on the program. The scientist was subjected to water boarding and confessed he had indeed leaked documents to the press. Since then, critics of the program have grown, including some in Congress.
“I would like to know how much each of these Walkers is costing the American people,” said Congressman Rex Boyd, a California Democrat. “We need a lot more oversight on how the Pentagon is spending American tax dollars, especially with the economy tanking, the stock market crashing, and Peak Oil becoming a reality”.
The Walkers, priced at a staggering $11.7 billion dollars each, are able to carry as many as 30 soldiers. They have been outfitted with special armor to deflect the massive explosive nature of improvised explosive devices (IEDs), and military tests report the side-mounted lasers are indeed real.
One benefit of the Imperial Walkers is that they are designed to operate on Alcohol fuel.
“We are running out of oil, so these machines are also a new effort to show Americans we can power our military and cars with clean, renewable alcohol fuel.” Says one Pentagon spokesperson.
“We have to make the switch anyway, and there is already a lot of appreciation for this war machine’s design, so the younger generation can connect the dots.”
Many Americans are now calling into talk radio shows and writing to newspaper editors questioning not only why the program was not open to congressional oversight, but why the Imperial Walker Program made it past the conceptual phase to begin with.
“This is an outrage,”, says retired Air Force Crew Chief and weapons designer Ben Dorginson. “We haven’t even found out how 6 nukes ended up sneaking out of the Air Force bunkers through multiple layers of security and already these guys are letting Imperial Walkers on the loose? Oh come on already.”
The Imperial Walkers are slated for rapid development with an immediate shipment date to the Middle East.